In November 2020 an economist writer, under the name of Charlemagne, coined the phrase "The Rainbow curtain" in order to show the divide between the rights that some LGBTQ+ people get and the rights that some don't have access to. The fact that the divide exists is beyond utterly outrageous and especially soul crushing when you consider how many other social groups it can be applied to. That being said, I think that the term can also be used to show the divide between what we are taught and what we learn or rather, what we think we know and what we discover, especially in regards to gender and sexuality.
When I was younger I didn't know about the gender and sexuality spectrum, because it wasn't talked about or taught or mentioned in any way, shape or form. Whether that was due to where I came from or general social attitudes, I don't know. I suspect that it was mostly due to the fact that at that point in time, which admittedly wasn't all that long ago, the conversation just didn't come up. In spite of the fact I've been fortunate enough to have grown up in a liberal family, films, books and music all taught 5-13 year old me that "straight" was the only orientation in existence and gender had to fit into 1 of 2 boxes. This only really changed when I moved from a sea-side town to a rural, in-land village.
I first heard the word "transgender" in middle school. The first time I was asked about my "sexuality" was in secondary school and I had to ask my friend what it meant. I'm honestly so glad that I did because I ended up googling something along the lines of: "what sexuality are you if you're attracted to personality not gender?"
I'm not even kidding, I'd never taken gender into account during that weird period as a kid where relationships are a fun game and the moment a boy and a girl hangs out, someone chants "Eva and John sitting in a tree K I S S I N G". Even in middle school when I'd been asked about various crushes, the very real stereotype of girl-talk, I had always responded with "*insert name* has a nice personality" or "I want to get to know so-and-so more".
Anyway, after a few days of googling I came across the term "Pansexual" and I immediately thought "yeah, that pretty much sums it up", so I told my friend that I was Pan and she came out to me as "Gay" because she'd had lots of experience with "Lesbian" being used as a slur in her previous school.
In fact, I didn't know that "coming out" was a thing until my friend asked me if my parents were going to be okay with it and I responded by saying "who wouldn't?"... and that's how I learned about "homophobia"... which lead to a strategy called "the traffic light system". Previously used in schools to describe how you thought you were doing in a subject, this strategy was now being used to help you decide if the time is right to come out to your parents or whoever you would like to come out to.
Red- if you hear homophobic slurs, if they give you an indication that they are totally against it, if you know that they don't agree with it or they are just in a difficult mood, do not proceed!
Amber- if you are unsure, probe/bring up the topic in general terms- this should lead to the detection of a red or green light
Green- if you think that they will be alright with it, if they actively support the community or if they seem to be in a generally chill mood, go for it!
Truth be told, I completely ignored the system and went straight for it without much of a second thought. I told my mother that I was Pansexual, and explained what it meant, whilst she was cooking, she dropped the frying pan and burst out laughing and I did too. I'm not entirely sure if I ever came out to my stepdad, I think there was just an understanding that he knew and was chill with it. In fact, I really do consider myself to be very lucky considering some of the stories I've heard of all sorts of *insert gender or sexual orientation*phobia. Not to brag but I've only ever been to 2 pride parades, one year in Brighton and the year after in London, and both times I was actually in the parades. Yes, to clarify, I've never actually seen a pride parade but I've been in 2, supporting 2 different organisations and both times I participated alongside my parents. If that's not ideal parental support, I honestly don't know what is.
If you couldn't already tell, I've been out and proud to pretty much everyone since I was 14. That being said, in recent years things haven't been so straight forward...
Last February (2020), I went through a bit of an identity crisis or rather I was panicked because I'd never thought to question my gender. This completely ate me up, I am not kidding, I was completely disgusted with my appearance. I wanted to hide my chest and look less curvy and less feminine, to put it lightly. In short, I'd experienced what I understood later as "gender dysphoria"- the feeling of being in the wrong body- and I wanted to get rid of it ASAP. So I messaged a few friends about it and they taught me about "pronouns" and encouraged me to express myself however I wanted to. So that's exactly what I did. At the time I was on a mini-break in Stratford-upon-Avon, which meant that I had to get creative, so I used my allowance to buy one set of men's clothes from a few charity shops. The moment I got back to the hotel, I changed into them and hid my incredibly long hair (the longest I've grown it to date) under a beanie. It made me feel so much better, but something wasn't quite right. My chest was still apparent. Thankfully, the family member I was sharing a room with helped me make a temporary binder out of fabric and shoe laces and I went out to dinner feeling confident as heck. At least until I had to take the binder off and then I felt that horrific sinking, sick feeling all over again.
A week or two later, one of the friends I had contacted about the whole "I'm questioning my gender" thing invited me to visit them in London to do a clothes swap as they had some clothes they wanted to get rid of and I had a small sack of clothes, which I had been meaning to extract from my wardrobe for quite some time. This meant that I was able to exchange a few of my clothes for a few more masculine bits and pieces that were in my size. I also decided to change my pronouns on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and I asked a close-knit circle of friends to call me by my new pronouns. I even turned up at an open mic night dressed in my more masculine clothes.
And then after that the whole "masculine" didn't feel comfortable or suit me anymore, so I reverted back to my old style and pronouns, which I still love and embrace to this day. My style wasn't generally considered to be overly feminine in the first place, rather somewhere in between i.e. colour coordinated outfits, t-shirts with slogans and pictures, trousers or shorts and leggings. For practical reasons- worthy of a separate post- I only generally wear skirts and dresses for events/special occasions. Basically, most of my friends describe my style as "indie and geeky", which I think describes it perfectly. In addition, I learned a ton more about feminism and currently consider myself to be a proud "intersectional feminist", I've even had the opportunity to speak at a women's day celebration, which was one of the few highlights of 2020.
So in a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is that even though this particular experience/memory/anecdote/call-it-what-you-like isn't one that I'm overly open about/have talked about much if at all, I'm not ashamed of it in any way whatsoever. I felt beyond uncomfortable, I experimented and then I re-discovered myself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with experimenting or questioning your gender, sexuality or identity and the stigma around this really needs to go. Heck, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind and changing it again and again. Heck, there is no time limit and there is no pressure to change either. Embrace each other, embrace yourself and embrace the beautiful uniqueness of the world.
Now I'd like to talk about Labels. A highly debated topic. It doesn't matter which side you are on, if you're somewhere in between or if this is your first time hearing about this- there really is no excuse to judge someone for their use of Labels or lack-thereof or lack of knowledge. Diversity in society is beyond awesome, let's embrace that or at the very, very least, not be assholes about it.
Some people don't like labels, don't like to use them for various reasons, such as they don't want to be defined by them or they don't want their identity to be put back into a box. That's totally fine, I'm not judging at all, I honestly do respect that, labels can cause so many problems at times and no one should ever force you to use them!
I, personally, choose to use them because I tend to find that it makes my life a bit easier. Most of the labels I use for myself are out of necessity or because they generally save lots of time. Basically, I could have had lots of different conversations in the time it takes for me to explain the same thing to multiple people. That being said, I would rather explain something than have someone make assumptions or guesses. As well as this, I tend to see labels as a way of embracing who I am or at the very least understanding myself better. A simple word to explain a concept for everyone (myself included) with the bonus, as previously mentioned, of being able to change them as, when and if any of us so choose. An attempt to make sense of things that, more often than not, don't make sense.
All of that being said, since writing the original version of this post, things have changed. I decided to revert back to defining my sexuality as purely Pansexual since meeting someone who changed my life for the better. Additionally, since going to university I've been significantly less open about my sexuality. Don't get me wrong, it's still important to me and I'll forever be talking about acceptance and inclusion, but I've decided to take the time to fully explore how I feel about my sexuality and expression of it.
So to sum up: LGBTQ+ education is important and needs to be taught widely, things change, things change on your terms, there is no rush, it's okay to take time to explore things for yourself, your self expression and understanding of your sexuality is entirely your own experience and should never be invalidated. Labels are purely down to personal choice.
I'll see you folks on the flip side.
- Amello
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