When I was younger, I was in top set maths (reception until year three), then for some reason it was like I'd run straight into a brick wall and was moved into pretty much the lowest maths set, where I remained until I was able to drop it at university.
What about GCSE's and A-levels? I hear you ask. Well...those are stories in themselves. Generally speaking I scored about a two or three throughout secondary school, although I started scoring fours towards the end. My first secondary school maths teacher left meaning that we had substitutes for an entire year. Then we had a year of teachers with various interesting approaches to teaching us the same material over and over and somehow not teaching us the full curriculum for the foundation paper. In my final year of secondary I finally had a teacher who believed that we could all pass but by then it was too late... In spite of hours spent studying, revising and being taught by various tutors and teachers who genuinely believed they could get my shockingly low grade up, I still failed my maths GCSE. On my first attempt I scored a mighty two (in between an E and an F) meaning that I had to continue to take maths classes and re-take GCSE tests until either I passed or I was still failing at the end of my A-Levels.
Yes, it was actually a part of my agreement at college that I would continue to take those classes in order to do my A-levels. An agreement I willingly signed because I wanted to study Drama (which I had to drop after a few months of starting but made up for by picking up an AS level in Sociology in my second year), History and English literature and language. This meant that I was trying to pass a GCSE I failed significantly in, whilst trying to maintain my other subjects and get grades good enough for the university I wanted to go to.
Due to the fact that I got a two in my first GCSE attempt, I was placed in a class of other people who were about the same level. This was fine in theory because it meant the pace was pretty steady, however it meant that we were all prevented from doing the November GCSE re-take. I was outraged! I had less chances to pass because I wouldn't be able to do a re-take until the summer. I improved my grade a bit and ended up scoring a three. I mean I was pleased that I improved, but I was also devastated that I didn't pass. I was both proud of the friends I'd made who were able to leave maths for good but I was upset that I couldn't leave with them.
I've always known that I have family history of dyscalculia and dyslexia, so after that second failed attempt I decided to talk to one of my family members. She said that by the sounds of it, it was highly likely that I had dyscalculia and that I should try and get a diagnosis to help figure out how it was that I kept failing this exam. After many conversations, arrangements were made and in August twenty twenty, I went through an intense morning of testing. Both my literacy and maths skills were tested and compared with each other. Now before we continue, I'd like to point out that the diagnostic tests, carried out by the specific learning difficulties assessor, for dyslexia were British but the tests for dyscalculia were American. This is because (as far as I understand), those kinds of tests don't even exist in the UK yet. This is how little research and awareness there is of/about dyscalculia (otherwise known as dyscalculus).
Below are the scores I got on the tests....
If we ignore what the numbers mean (again, I can't understand them) then their position in the table basically shows that my English skills are pretty good and my maths skills are fundamentally shit. Hence why, amongst other factors, I was diagnosed with dyscalculia.
This was a major relief in one sense because it meant that the problem wasn't me not working hard enough or using the wrong revision methods. However it caused a major amount of anxiety because I knew that I was physically unlikely (more on this in a bit) to ever be able to pass my GCSE maths. The assessor advised that I complete a 'functional skills test' in mathematics rather than a GCSE, but when I spoke to my college about it when I moved into second year in September, I wasn't given the option. To make matters worse, I had started looking at universities because I wanted to study 'English literature and Creative writing' and found that pretty much EVERY SINGLE ONE REQUIRED AT LEAST A PASS IN MATHS AS A 'BASIC' REQUIREMENT!!!
I, once again, saw a tutor as well as doing another round of GCSE maths classes. When I went to my first maths class as a second year, I was even more aware of the extent of my failure as I was placed into a class with mostly first years because there wasn't enough second years to make up two classes. Thankfully I ended up having the best maths teachers I'd ever had and one of my friends, who was a maths genius, tutored me and helped me revise. Another godsend was that I was finally allowed to take the November re-take having gotten a three that summer. I threw myself into trying to pass (again) and even told my language teacher that I wouldn't have the time to revise for her test after October half term because I needed to devote all of my energy into passing my maths exam and asked her if I could do it another time. I'm still grateful for the support of all of my A-level teachers throughout my A-levels (especially during this time).
If you've ever done an exam, you might understand a version of how it feels to have to wait a few months to receive results. IT WAS THE WORST! When I applied to the universities I wanted to go to that December, my top choice requested a GCSE maths grade four as part of the conditions of their conditional offer. I wasn't due to get my maths result until February. I wanted to cry. I was so scared of the result...and then I finally got a four.
I ACTUALLY ACHIEVED A FOUR IN THE SAME YEAR I GOT MY DIAGNOSIS- I still have absolutely no idea how the heck that happened.
That's the story of how I finally got to stop taking maths classes in November 2020, passed my maths GCSE and (partly) how I got accepted into my top choice university.
A long-ish post, I know but hang in there folks, there's more I want to say...
Everyone's experience of everything is different. As such, I'd like to talk about my personal experience with Dyscalculia and how I understand it. Firstly, it is a physical problem. A part of my brain sees a number and goes "Yikes, fuck this, I'm out!" causing a number of problems: slower initial processing (I have a short term memory of Dory so I need things repeated/I need to write things down ASAP), I can't see patterns even if they are obvious, numbers can look back to front or look like different numbers, generally I cannot understand maths concepts/I can't really comprehend numbers (meaning that the only way I can understand things is through words), I rely on my fingers to do counting, I can't really do mental maths that well, I have no concept of time (meaning I struggle with time management and arranging times), I can't comprehend distance that well, I can't read maps or any kind of chart that is numbers based, I can't understand any kind of division or subtraction, I struggle with page references and page numbers...basically if it involves a number beyond ten, I can't really comprehend it that well.
In short, maths is a language I can't translate, read, write or speak.
Admittedly this is not something I'm proud of and not something I ever go into too much detail about. I simply brush it off as "number blindness" because not many people know about dyscalculia and it is difficult to explain the true extent to which it affects me on a daily basis. Also it makes me feel incredibly stupid. I can't follow conversations with numbers in them that well and when people mention lots of numbers in rapid succession, I get a bit lost. I try to compensate for the part of my brain that doesn't work the way it should by going over and over things with numbers or saying that I understand something in the moment and doing research to try and make it make sense later.
Recently, I told the person I love about the reality of my dyscalculia and his patience and understanding have really helped. It has allowed me to start admitting when something doesn't make sense and to start seeing the benefits of having it. Yes, there are some amazing benefits: my reading speed is super fast, I find it easy to pick up vocabulary and learn new languages (as well as de-cypher various old versions of English), I see details that people sometimes miss/less obvious meanings, I can be creative in an unusual way because I don't naturally work with patterns and conventional rules, my mind is incredibly visual so I find it easy to picture/imagine things in twoD, I can use words pretty well, I'm good finding multiple conflicting ideas and I have an eye for colours.
Honestly, I've been so scared to make this post for such a long time because I don't want to be perceived as stupid and I don't want it to overshadow the things that I can do. However, I've come to realise that not only will talking about it hopefully start to make things a bit easier, but it will also hopefully help raise awareness and start a conversation.
Learning difficulties are not a sign of a lack of intelligence and they are certainly not something to brush under the carpet. I don't understand why people with specific learning difficulties, like dyslexia and dyscalculia, are forced to keep re-taking exams that their brains are not suited for. It should be a decision given to each individual and definitely shouldn't be a requirement for higher education unless the course is directly, consistently and heavily related to the subject. Even then, these learning difficulties shouldn't present an impossible barrier to some careers. We need to learn how to work with these gifts and use them to our advantage. We need to bring conversations about the vast range of learning difficulties and disabilities into the light.
So yes. I have dyscalculia. It doesn't make my personal life better or worse, it's something I've probably had for a very long time. It's a part of me but it shouldn't consume me. Society really needs to get it's shit together and start making the world MORE ACCESSIBLE FOR EVERYONE regardless of their identity and unique lived experience. It is also important to, again, raise awareness of the fact that EVERYONE'S EXPERIENCE IS UNIQUE AND VALID.
I have dyscalculia and I'm beginning to overcome my fears... it starts with me stating that I'm not ashamed of having dyscalculia. I challenge you, dear reader, to educate yourselves more on a disability, learning difficulty, gender identity, sexuality, race, religion, gender, class etc that you don't know about.
If you have any questions or would like to find out more about my individual experience with dyscalculia, feel free to ask.
- Amello
