Recently there has been a lot of change in my life and I think some of the difficulty of dealing with change comes from both uncertainty and a lack of time to process what has actually been going on as well as the consequences. I was trying to balance catching up with online classes with homework and revision for exams whilst also trying to look after my mental and physical heath. Long story short, balance is difficult and, more often than not, results in some form of sacrifice. In this case it meant sacrificing my general health for the sake of studies, which led to burn out and an increase in anxiety.
I was going to keep justifying this unhealthy way of working. Let's face it, it's very easy to say "this isn't working" but it's incredibly hard to put in the things that will actually make things change. Sometimes life decides to punch you in the chest and then you can't keep going in the same direction because you're winded and need to recover.
For me, this punch came in the form of a phone call from a friend who needed to feel less alone in an isolated world. It was through talking to them that I discovered that I needed to have a conversation with myself, namely I needed to ask myself "How can I keep justifying this way of working when I am fully aware that it will screw me over in the long run?" The answer was simple. I can't.
Ironically, that's when I hit burn out at full speed. But for the first time, instead of pushing through and doing work despite how draining it was, I decided to take a break from studying. Instead, I tried leaving the house for the first time in round-about a week and I tried a socially-distanced hangout. This too wasn't great either because I tried to push myself into situations before I was ready.
Now we come to this morning where, despite having had a fair amount of sleep, I was still incredibly drained and tired. So I decided to write today off as a no study day as well, only this time I would only do things related to disconnecting. I finished reading Notes on a nervous planet by Matt Haig and I told my Instagram followers that I would be heading offline for a while. I let myself feel tired and drained and all of the things that come with being in a world that doesn't really make sense. It turns out that there is a lot to be said for doing nothing.
And what I mean by doing nothing is this: There is no pressure to be productive, leave your comfort zone or do anything that might tire/stress you out unnecessarily, there is no time limit and there are no plans. Doing nothing for me is essentially spontaneous self care I do on those days that I realise that it doesn't matter what I do, work just isn't going to happen and I need a re-charge.
For me this re charge used to mean a few hours of watching a film. Now it means reading a book in my pyjamas underneath a fluffy blanket, sleeping as and when, having a proper wash and generally remembering to do all the things that a functioning human being should do anyway- eating well, getting a good amount of sleep and breathing mindfully. Sometimes I only need a day of zoning out from the world and I'm all good to go, sometimes I need few and that's completely okay for a while.
Another beautiful thing about doing nothing is it gives you the headspace to take a moment to actually figure out what you need to do next in your own time. In this case, I need to create a more realistic study plan because my one is frankly inhuman and unrealistic, I also need to find a way to incorporate self care and me-time into this plan and I need to remember to keep going with it despite how hectic things are. Going back to what I said about the whole "there are no plans", I'm currently having a nothing day. I'm aware of what I will need to do next, but I'm not actually going to do that thing until I feel ready to, things can wait.
I can't reiterate this enough (and I am fully aware I need to take my own advice), Things Can Wait. The world isn't going to end because a History essay hasn't been handed in on time, so long as it gets done at some point it's alright. A person I know recently re-enforced this by telling me "I would rather you get a full night's sleep and not hand in an assignment." '(This really says something considering the general attitudes within the education system). This blog post that I am writing could have waited, I wrote it anyway because writing for myself is an act of self care, there's no pressure. I am supposed to be revising but it can wait until I am rested and well. My point is that doing nothing is in itself productive because some things can wait, self care shouldn't have to.
I am in the pursuit of nothing and I recommend it highly. Give your brain a break, go and do what makes you happy, be spontaneous and more importantly take a break, even though you may feel unproductive, trust me, in the long term you will reap the rewards i.e. feel more awake, be able to have more of a balance and generally feel happier. There is nothing wrong with doing nothing when it allows you to take better care of yourself and/or re-charge.
On that note, I am off continue my pursuit of nothing...
